(Please see the previous post for Part I)
I had an unexpected clear glimpse out of the fog seven years ago on my first Vipassana meditation retreat at Spirit Rock with the generous Mary Orr and John Travis.
On the last morning of the week, at about six o’clock in the morning (a time I am hardly ever awake, let alone fully present), I had a vision of myself at age five, doing yoga early in the morning with my dad. In the clear but fleeting moments of my vision, I reconnected to how it felt to be a present, flowing, moving, expressive little me. This vision was so pure, so clear, so bright that it could not be mistaken for anything less than divine. After the retreat ended and I went home, I tried to hold on to that feeling and that vision as though it were the most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen. I tried, gently so as not to frighten it away, to understand the meaning behind what I had connected to. I tried to write about it or incorporate it into a collage, but I just could not get near it again. Gradually, the fog returned, but I never forgot my vision or ceased wondering what it was trying to teach me.
Discover Inspiration Everywhere. Acrylic and Collage on Canvas. ALK 2012.
Flash forward to September 2012, I had embarked on a mission with a Creative Career Coach, (the Amazeballs Michelle Ward) to find what I was finally, truly, deeply passionate about doing; It came as a huge surprise when I wrote “I am an artist.” in my notebook. In that moment, the sun burst out shining so brightly the long-standing fog just disappeared, poof! Suddenly, I understood how I had been disconnected from my five-year old wisdom. I had known all along — immersion in the artistic process, being awake to the energy of flow, and expressing what is unique to me — is my artist-core. That is me. Whew! Even now, writing this fuller story months later, it is still a revelation.
Since then, I have feared having to admit to anyone other than my husband that there is an artist in me. Now that I have seen how the five-year-old me was the key to reconnecting to who I truly am and what I am here to do there is no denying her. It is an astonishing, scary, exciting truth. I understand now why all my former professional pursuits were so frustrating. English teacher, arts administrator, Pilates Instructor: I wanted them to be something they were not and never could be.
Now, as vulnerable as it feels, I am living into my new story, one creative-process experience at a time. I see the Artist as the only path to successfully share my unique gifts with the world. The only way to show my gratitude to all who have and continue to inspire me. What I create will inevitably grow out of some of the ideas I have explored, skills I have mastered, work I have done. But it will look different. What I create now and in the future will blossom from a plant with a deeper, older root that is who I have always been — lotus peach.
Have you ever had a revelation that changed how you related to yourself? Tell me your story!
